(For interested readers, the original saga is here. I don’t actually think anyone will find this interesting or entertaining, but I have to vent.)
From time-to-time, I write/tweet about my boobs. I can’t help it. They are there, and people notice them. They are a constant source of discomfort. They cause my ill-fitting bras to dig trenches in my shoulders, and they give me back pain. I would have a reduction, oh yes, I would in a heartbeat if a) I could afford it and b) my sister-in-law hadn’t recently had a plastic surgeon turn her into Frankenboob.
Yesterday, between spurts of writing, I went to several websites in an attempt to calculate my actual bra size. As evidenced by the fact that I can fit at least four fists between the band and my back and the fact that I poke out the bottom and top of the damn things, the size I wear has a band that is too large and cups that are too small. Now, all the U.S. sites “calculated” that I needed a bra smaller than that. Aaaaa! Wrong! The U.K. sizing was the most plausible, but the size? Well…
I’ve been wearing the wrong sized bra for years, years, simply because I cannot find an affordable one in the size I need. I can’t find them in a department store. I can’t find them in Victoria’s Secret. I’ve even looked at the online versions of stores to no avail.
The only bras they have in a size remotely close to what I need either cost $100 or look like something my grandmother wore back in the fifties, a rejected costume from a cheesy seventies scifi movie, accepted costumes for pornos (thanks, Frederick’s of Hollywood), or they are minimizers. I usually wear minimizers, but I would like ONE FREAKIN’ BRA that doesn’t smash the hell out of the girls and that doesn’t make my chest look like two puppies are fighting under a blanket when I walk.
The measuring system is flawed, but it’s the best there is I suppose. It doesn’t seem much more accurate than Scotto’s suggestion that they be measured by handfuls, but his funny tweet got me thinking. The best way to measure for a bra would be the usual circumference of the ribcage for the band (without adding four inches to it) and then cup size by breast volume. Can’t you just see ladies going into lingerie shops and dunking their breasts in water displacement tanks? I would totally do that if it meant I could have a bra that fit.
I know you’re thinking, Summa spent her Saturday dunking her tits in water. Well, I didn’t. However, I did take the handful concept further by using a hand to estimate the surface area of my left breast. If you’re interested in using it for fun with a partner, weird conversation at gatherings (a favorite of mine), or most probably creeping people out, I’ll tell you how it’s done. And finally ladies and gents, it gives us one answer to the question of what can you do with more than a handful.