The area where I grew up was once referred to on national television as the “hitman capitol of the United States.”  I find that very hard to believe, but it has a notorious flare to it.  We used to joke that for a six pack and some Camel Lights, you could hire anyone from Gonzoland to do anything.  Its’ probably true.  I will admit that the city and surrounding trafficlightless towns have a history of odd and violent crimes, especially now that meth has made its way into the communities. 

I was in junior high when the lawyer’s wife was kidnapped.  After years of searching and investigating, it was uncovered that a disgruntled client hired some PWTs (that’s poor white trash) to snatch her.  They killed her, and the man committed suicide before they could find out where he hid the body.  Best guess is that he dumped her in a strip mine slurry pond or the lake.  No one would ever find her either place.

I was in high school when a friend’s mother convinced her lover to murder my friend’s father.  My friend was asleep in the house at the time and had to testify in court.

While I was home from college one summer, a bomb blew a man and his lawn mower to bits.  A bomb, yeah.  Two miles away and inside, I heard it.  A few weeks later, a mechanic found one strapped to the underneath of his widow’s car.

Last year, a man I know followed an older man to a flea market, robbed him, killed him, stole his car, dismembered his body, and threw the pieces all over the county. 

This past summer, a guy walked into a used car dealership and blasted a shotgun at the owners.

For a big city, all this may seem run-of-the-mill, but for a city of only 30,000, it’s surreal.  For its size, Gonzoland has more than its fair share of crazy shit that goes down.  The thing is, it’s the kind of place that when someone goes into a used car dealership and blows away the owners for absolutely no reason and folks find out about it, they’ll hunt the guy down and beat him till he’s dead.  No six pack or smokes needed.  We all say, “There must be something in the water,” but I turned out okay…mostly.