The spammers have sent me emails promising to hook me up with whites blacks asians and I have failed to respond. With those ethnicities exhausted and others having no spam advocates (I presume), I’m getting “over 50.” WTF?
WTF is wrong with people?
I just read a newspaper article (from a county in my state) where reportedly the Humane Society had to euthanize a dog because it was found skinned alive. I can’t even begin to imagine what that feels like. Who the fuck does that?! Some people are just sick.
TMI Tuesday: Malleable Me
I bet I’m the only person you “know” who can poke out her stomach, relax it, and then push against one side of it so that it moves and stays for a bit and then watch as it slowly slides sort of back into resting position. Ah the things you can do when your round ligaments are sprung.
If I keep pumping until October,
my breasts will remain larger and plumper than my ass. In that case, I will ask my mother to sew a Lulu costume for me and a cactuar costume for my son. We will be AWESOME!!
It's Getting Better All the Time
Yesterday was the first day that I didn’t even once wish that I didn’t have a baby. I’m doing the best that I can. I believe it’s getting better, A little better all the time.
Sensual Idiot: Rejection letters →
sensualidiot: Back in my deviantART days I shared with my followers some rejection letters I’d collected in the last few months. The response was overwhelmingly angry and defeated. “How dare they reject something so beautiful!” “If they rejected YOU than I’m not even going to try!” However, the purpose of… I sent off my novel, my work of about five years now when I count all six...
In the Event of My Death
Now that I have a child, I need a will. I can do that online, if I just set aside the time to do it. Part of the reason I’ve put it off is that I have no idea who to put as Sol’s guardian. I have written many times about my best girlfriend. You remember, the one who wants children so badly and has had five miscarriages, three failed in vitro fertilizations, and most recently cancerous...
A Tooth Per Child
My dentist had told me that when his grandmother was having babies, the saying was that you lost one tooth for every child you had. See, a fetus is really a parasite. It lives off its host, its mommy, and if the host doesn’t provide it with the proper nutrition, it will rob her of it. Calcium is at a premium in any woman’s body, and in a pregnant woman, the teeth are the first to take...
TMI Tuesday: It's amazing what you can get used...
When I first diagnosed myself with uterine prolapse, I figured I could Kegel my way back into shape in no time. After an official diagnosis from my doctor and the news that only a hysterectomy would fix the problem, I gotta tell you, I went home and bawled my eyes out. It wasn’t that I wanted more kids, it was just that a) I had lost control over the decision b) I was still an emotional...
When/If you have a child, pick a hair style and facial hairstyle (if applicable) and stay with that until the baby is at least six months old. Why? Because Fluffy lets himself get scruffy over the course of the week, and when he shaves, the baby has a total freak out, like he has no idea who Fluffy is, crocodile tears, red-faced, clinging to me like a monkey. Keep in mind that Fluffy probably...
For the first time since June 2011,
I did crunches. I did 10 crunches, and I thought I was going to pass out. I broke out in a full-body cold sweat. Let me tell y’all: there is more to getting back into shape after having a baby than just losing a bit of weight.
There exists a relationship between the size of one’s index finger and the size of one’s nostrils. More clearly, I believe the diameter of the index finger and the nostril are so that the owner’s finger is the perfect size for picking his nostril without going in too far. A person with larger fingers will have larger nostrils or perhaps larger nostrils beget larger fingers?...
Today, I have on my “I Love the 80’s” t-shirt. I don’t wear it out in public anymore because it’s too tight and too faded. It is covered in nits from excessive wear and washing. But, it’s soft and thin, perfect for wearing on hot days. Just a bit ago, I pulled it up to dangle around my neck so I could pump breastmilk, and the aroma of sunscreen, long soaked...
I'm-the-Worst Wednesday: I Serve As A Reminder
to everyone, myself included, that a person can be skilled, even brilliant, at some things and just barely-functional retarded at others.
when I had an erotic dream about a Tumblr galpal, and in it my mother said, “So, this is how far you’ve fallen?” when she (the girlfriend) stroked my breast in front of everyone. Yeah, that was last night. When I have bi-/homosexual dreams, I’m usually a dude. In this one, my girlfriend had a penis but was clearly still a woman. And Halle Berry misplaced my pillows, so...
Email from Mom
She asked why my friend Christine and I named our sons Jewish names. Christine didn’t. I did because they were family names that weren’t just awful and allowed me to make terrible puns out of my son’s nickname. In my response to her, I left off the pun part. This is her reply. [Summa], any name you like is a name you like. Just wondering. Christine may have named her son in...
24 Hours Without Internet
I missed so much! At least the douches at Comcast finally gave me a new modem.
crimsonkitty: andypettittesbitch: I don’t see how anyone dislikes Queen the dude sang rock operas about his bicycle while wearing white spandex overalls and it totally fucking worked
So, I’ve mentioned several times that I play an online version of Dungeons and Dragons and am in fact nerd enough to be an officer of my guild. Anyway, the successor to leadership of the guild and I have gotten pretty chummy, and about once a week, we share outrageous things that happen at work/home in private guild chat. He calls them Weekly What-the-Fucks. I was going to share the one from...
What you've been waiting for:
a picture of me!! Here I am, Dr. Summa, in my slightly-edited-academic-regalia glory. My dad asked if everyone had dual seals on the breasts or just women. <shakes head and sighs> The gown and hood weighed about 15 pounds, and all that velvet in 90ºF heat was not fun. But I did it, and I have the pics to prove it.
My son is 3 months old. He was conceived one year ago today. It’s been a little over a year since I’ve had a period, and I have to say that other than being pregnant and having a baby and the resulting complications, it’s been nice.
I dropped $45
on diapers. Diapers! It just…I can’t fully describe how much it bothers me to spend that much money on something I know I’m going to throw away. True, it will be full of piss and/or shit, but still. And no, I will not use cloth diapers. I know my mother did it that way and everything, but there is not a laundry service in this town for that. I’m not going to rinse diapers...
Way TMI Tuesday: I look forward to Wednesdays and...
because these are the two days of the week that I don’t have to squirt estrogen cream into my vagina. Also, when I initially described to my doctor what was going on in my nether regions, I told her that the opening to my vagina looked like a squid beak (Hello cervix, my nemesis!), and I laughed because I know how ridiculous that sounds. But, it’s true! She snorted, covered her mouth,...
Yes, that is what thrilling, exciting thing a new PhD is up to on the Monday after receiving her diploma. What are you up to today?
Feliz Cinco de Mayo
I graduated today! I am now a doctor of philosophy, so you know, get ready for even more bullshit.
The number of times per day I say, “Just take the goddamned pacifier, child!” Now, doesn’t that make you wish I was your mom?
Planet of the Apes Is Going to Happen
I saw something on TV that said that a study of chimps showed that once they were taught how to spell some words, they could correctly spell new words 75% of the time. People can do this with about a 50% success rate. I blame texting because you turn Person 1: Hi, [insert name]. Would you like to grab a quick bite to eat with me? Person 2: Sure. That sounds like fun. I’ll meet you there. ...
Kids Say the Darndest Things
Him: Can I pass this class with a C minus? Me: Yeah. Him: It says on the website that I needed to make a 66 percent or higher to pass with a C minus. I just made a 66.37. Did I pass? <significant pause on my part while he looks at me, clueless> Me: Yeah. <his eyes grow big and he presses his palms to the sides of his head> Him: Oh my god, I love you! Me: Your girlfriend will be...
scottowilliams asked: How are you feeling physically? (I realize, compared to your emotional state, this is probably irrelevant, but I'm curious.)
TMI Tuesday Tomorrow
Hope you all are ready for a looooooong one!