Sh!t My Dad Says
An email from my mother. She is “N,” and he is “R.” I love the impossible things he asks her to do. This is almost as good as the time he asked her to hold up a tree he just finished cutting with a chainsaw. Dear [Summa], I am going to visit your grandparents in a little while. I am doing the things I need to do right now before leaving. I just nearly stepped on a...
TMI: Warts (not the STD kind)
I have a wart on my right index finger. It’s just below the crease of the end knuckle on the palm-side. We’re at war. It started small, a small hitch in the otherwise smooth skin, and I, being the type to pick, picked at it. I thought I’d pulled it off, but it came back. What’s worse is that now, it has a capillary under it. Vampire wart! The damned virus is sucking...
I watched an edited for TV version of it this morning. It reminded me of several other movies (Gattaca, Demolition Man, and The Matrix) that I like. Drug-controlled, religious and fascist society. Clerics are the most skilled fighters with and without weapons, and a high-level cleric stops taking his dose and commits “sense crime” by feeling emotion. It had some of the most...
Today is my brother's birthday.
I bought him this: a flash drive that transforms into Ravage. He’s going to shit himself when he gets it. Am I a cool little sister, or what?
Star Wars Question
I know red means “the dark side,” but what is the difference between blue and green light sabers?
A woman in red shorts and a red bandana, mowing the grass. A woman in red shorts and a red bandana, trimming her hedges. A woman in red shorts and a red bandana, pruning her roses. A woman in red shorts and a red bandana, shouting curses because the rose thorns hooked into her garden glove in the exact spot where the seam is open. A woman in red shorts and a red bandana, deciding the new red...
Even if it hurts, there are times when burning bridges is the only viable solution.
I was thinking about my tennis partner from high school. She always pronounced my name the way my mother’s Canadian friend did. She could palm my forehead, which brought her infinite joy when drunk. Best though - she and I had this thing where we’d get together and watch Airplane! and then quote bits of it when we played. Now that we’re “Facebook friends,” we...
Just before I got online, I decided to scan my bookshelves for my collection of F. Scott Fitzgerald short stories. I needed the quote from “A Diamond As Big As the Ritz.” I plan to abuse it for a post that I will, if the last several weeks are any indication, write half of and then abandon. I got this collection for a lit class, American Lit 1900 to 1945, which was the first summer...
While lazing in bed this morning,
I watched the last forty-five minutes of Cherry 2000. It’s always interesting to watch a movie you’ve seen only as a child again when you are an adult. It isn’t the same, and in some ways, it’s completely new because you get the adult jokes. You understand the emotions the characters feel. You laugh when Lester shoots the idiot girl, who’s running her mouth even...
Do you do it?
Cook, that is. Tonight, I made Home Ec. Chicken. I call it that because I got the recipe from my 8th grade Home Economics class. This recipe, a recipe for sugar cookies, and an apron I sewed are the only things I took away from that class. Well, anyway, I took the original recipe and pared down the ingredient list to something I can remember. I love this chicken, and not just because sour...
scottowilliams asked: Also, a few weeks ago you asked "the group" what our worst dates were, but I can't remember if you answered yourself, so I'm curious. What's the worst date you ever had? (And if you DID answer, please direct my ignorant arse to it.)
I dropped my container of coffee beans on the floor this morning. It shattered and very nearly landed on my cat. I’ve had that container for, oh, ten years or so. It wasn’t anything special, but it sealed so it kept the yummy alcohols and oils from evaporating off/out of the coffee beans. It smelled wonderful and the rubber ring that made the top seal was stained dark brown. For...
scottowilliams asked: TMI Tuesday: If you could discover one famous person secretly watching you (bathing, sleeping, masturbating, etc) who would you want it to be? Also, who would you LEAST want it to be?
Dinner in Haiku Form #2
sausage and onions, steamed rice and steamed broccoli, with a dash of soy.
burningbrooklynbridges asked: tmi tuesday: the last time you went out without underwear and why
TMI Tuesday: Backstory
As part of my Sunday night routine, I watch Superjail! before I go to sleep. This week’s episode featured a character named Ash, who as you might expect if you know Superjail!, is a severe burn victim. I thought about a guy I knew in high school who had third degree burns over most of his body. He had a perfect head of hair, but his face and arms resembled those of Freddy...
judgeisonvinyl asked: summa, SHONEY'S made me almost cry with nostalgia when i read that post. we used to stop there every summer growing up on our way down south. my sister and i anticipated going there more than actually ending up down south, i think. aw man! i want to go, right now!
I was working in a cafeteria, clearing and wiping down tables. The clientele was an odd mix, as if all extras from 70’s and 80’s movies. Everyone was too bright and too hairy, so I focused on making slow circular motions with a dingy dish towel. The cashier squealed, and I looked up to find her in tears, gesturing at the cash register and then clutching the front of her...
Someone should build a strip mall made only of “extinct” restaurants/food vendors e.g. Quincy’s, Shoney’s, Orange Julius. I really miss the big fat yeast rolls.
I'm so goddamned angry right now.
It’s 12:50 a.m. I should be asleep, but I’m not. I’d like to spend the next hour scrolling through everything everyone posted, making funny comments or just liking things, but I can’t. See, my fucking “fixed” car broke down again on my way home tonight or this morning or whenever the fuck it is. And the place where I had to pull over - the foul, fenced-in...
somebarebones asked: IT IS PAST YOUR BED TIME, YOUNG LADY.
While washing windows,
my mother said, “Once she found out I was your mother, I was hesitant about going back there. It’s not that I’m not proud of you because I am. It’s just that, once people know that I’m your mother, it changes things. I worry they have some expectation.” Her tone was so serious that I wondered if I had a split personality, and the other me, the one whom she...
love/hate/love/hate/love/hate/love/hate/love/hate/love/hate/love/hate love/hate/love/hate/love/hate/love/hate/love/hate/love/hate/love/hate love/hate/love/hate/love/hate/love/hate/love/hate/love/hate/love/hate love/hate/love/hate/love/hate/love/hate/love/hate/love/hate/love/hate love/hate/love/hate/love/hate/love/hate/love/hate/love/hate/love/hate ...
I dreamed the "Vegas-thing" happened.
We stayed in a villa built and decorated in the style of the mansion in the movie Clue. Antique deeply-carved furniture, gold leaf, life-sized oil paintings, crystal chandeliers and crystal goblets, even murder. The secret passage led to a phenomenal man cave. Other than that…hey, what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas, even in dreams.
quintessentiallydisheveled-deac asked: TMI Wednesday (?) : Have you ever been 'caught' in the middle of, well, you know?
Try as hard as I might
I could never recreate the look I have when I don’t quite remove all my mascara while in the shower. Slightly shadowed, a light smoky-almost-blue color on the lower lid, and a thin, dark line just under the lashes. No liner or powder, no wisp of a brush or pat of fingertip could do what steam and absent-minded washing can so that even I find myself alluring, sexy, with just a hint of...
scottowilliams replied to your post: While listening to “Make Some Noise” by the Beastie Boys… Uh, no, he most definitely does say “Leggo my Eggo.” Bwahahahahaha!! Oh, tears are running out of my eyes - LMAOWTROOME. That is just perfect. I was right! ::marks the date down on the calendar::
While listening to "Make Some Noise" by the...
Me: Did he just say “Leggo my Eggo?” Fluffy: (shaking his head and laughing) No, he said, “Flip on my echo.” Now come on. Y’all have to admit that “Leggo my Eggo” isn’t too far-fetched for a Beastie Boys’ lyric. I mean, these are the same guys that say, “I’ll stir-fry you in my wok” in “Intergalactic...
I watched its final launch this morning. I believe it was the first time I actually sat still and watched a shuttle launch since The Challenger. Oops, I’m showing my years here. Many of you weren’t even alive when it blew up on live TV. I was in elementary school. I just remember crying and thinking, “The teacher who died, who is going to take care of her children? And all...
quintessentiallydisheveled replied to your post: I’m baking cornbread Fuck. Yes. And sweet tea to wash it down, I hope? Maybe some butter and honey to drizzle on top? …I am so jealous right now. Just finished my first piece…Butter overload but no honey and a slice of cheddar cheese on the side. I may do some Golden Eagle syrup with butter for breakfast tomorrow or maybe dessert...
I'm baking cornbread
because that’s what southern women do, especially on Sundays. Uh, sure. Whatever. My paternal grandmother always did, and she is the one by whom I measure all southern, country-livin’ women. Besides, it gives me something to do with my leftover buttermilk.
burningbrooklynbridges asked: thanks for the message, you really helped me out! by the way, the thought of cemetery water scares me. do you think the people who drink it become possessed?
A week or so ago, #becauseofmyex was trending on Twitter, and naturally, it got me thinking about all the weird things I do, don’t do, or know because of my ex-husband. For example, I tweeted, “#becauseofmyex I count fries to make sure everyone gets the same number and everything is fair.” I would literally count out 16 fries (or “chips” for those who speak the...
Why do I even bother?
An Unsolved Mysteries
rerun is on Lifetime Channel right now. It made me think of two of my favorite sexy sleuth-wannabes, Alex and Meg. Hope you two are enjoying thirsty Thursday. I will now change the channel to watch Pawn Stars. EDIT: It isn’t a rerun. I think…I think it’s a new episode. It’s hosted by Dennis Farina! So, I…I’m going to watch it.
What is up
with all the ghost hunting “reality” shows? The first one, the one on SyFy (don’t even get me started on that name change), was ridiculous enough, but now, there are five or six of these shows. Who watches them? And, we shouldn’t be ghosthunting. If anything, we should be ghostbusting. Amirite? Also, I dreamed that someone asked me where I got my inspiration for my...
How can I even try? I can never win. — from You’ve Got to Hide Your Love Away by The Beatles
burningbrooklynbridges replied to your post: Curious “earn the wrath of an employer” damn, earn the wrath!? that seems a bit dramatic haha It would seem dramatic if it weren’t true. I do this all the time: making administrative decisions without being or wanting to be an administrator. I think it would incur the wrath of my supervisor if I wasn’t so damned good at what I do. Talent...
After reading Meg’s result, I took the test. Here is my result: Quiet and very self-assured, you tend to keep your own council. Pragmatic and practical to a fault, you are not one to worry about the finer points of philosophical discourse. In fact, because you are very much an individualist, you often find yourself at odds with the established truth or the wishes of the majority. You will...
Books have been written about hilarious misheard song lyrics. One in particular I know of is Excuse Me While I Kiss This Guy. I have my fair share of lyrics blunders. One of my favorites is when I first heard “Shame” by Stabbing Westward. I looked at Fluffy and said, “Did he just say, ‘How can I have sex without you’?” When Fluffy only burst out laughing, I...
So, my TMI’s have been especially lame lately. Today’s TMI is coming in a little late, but it’s a doozy! Also, if you don’t get a TMI question from me, and you want to participate, please let me know, and I’ll add you to my list. On the other hand, if you get a TMI question from me and would rather I just bugger off, let me know, and I’ll stop badgering you....
The "Friday" Code
::Summa shakes her head:: Sadly, this reads like something you see in an episode of Decoded on the History Channel.
The Tiny Toons version of “Particle Man” combines two of my favs - Tiny Toons and any song from Flood by They Might Be Giants. Favorite lyrics: that Universe Man is “usually kind to smaller men,” and the entire Person Man verse: “Person Man, Person Man, hit on the head with a frying pan, lives his life in a garbage can, Person Man. Is he depressed, or is he a mess?...
Re: my new nickname
scottowilliams answered: Graniteface. This immediately made me think of the rock biter in The Neverending Story. “They look like big, good, strong hands, don’t they? I always thought that’s what they were.” Perhaps the empress has a new name…