December 2010
54 posts
1 tag
Gonzoland: Grand Something
At midnight on the 5th of July, my right front tire blew in one of the worst places in the entire city for such things to happen. I cursed the heavens and wondered aloud why this was happening to me now. It was Friday, and I was flying out to Vegas on Sunday. Didn’t the universe understand that I didn’t have time to deal with a flat?
I pulled over and put on my hazards. The heat...
Night at the Funeral Home
So I went to the memorial service for my great-aunt and ran into the myriad that is my mother’s first cousins, some of their children, and one family member who says he’s my third cousin twice removed (whatever the hell that means). I withstood the hugs and kisses, sighing at how I would smell like all their perfumes and colognes mixed into one hideous scent by the time it was all...
If you're a guy with a faux hawk
punch yourself in your douchey fucking face. Then, either man up and get a real mohawk or style that shit differently.
Long-lived
Tonight, I’m going to the memorial service for my great-aunt. She was one of three sisters to my maternal grandfather. Out of four boys and three girls, only my grandfather and the youngest brother are still living. My aunt was ninety-six when she passed Sunday.
She came up in conversation at Christmas dinner. She always teased my grandfather about how ugly she thought he was. In...
3 tags
Fluffy is addicted to Jelly Belly jelly beans, particularly tuti fruity and root beer. If he didn’t ration them, he’d eat an entire pack in one sitting. He’ll even eat the horrible popcorn-flavored ones, often mixing them in hopes that the combination of two bad flavors will somehow transform into a new, delicious flavor. It rarely happens, as is evidenced by this...
1 tag
Trepidation
Downer Alert:
All day, I have worried about this post. Even now, as I prepare to type it here, my hands have gone cold and my throat hurts. I’ve posted several true stories on this blog, but they are generally about my observations of other people because I enjoy and learn so much from watching others. This is the first post about something that happened to me that upsets me when I think about...
Recurring
I still have nightmares about you
because you wouldn’t let me go.
You said, “I need you. Don’t leave me,”
and I felt guilty because I knew I was hurting you.
But, you were killing me a little every day.
I tried to tell you this,
but you just called me a stupid fucking hateful bitch again and again
before you broke down, crying and clinging to me like a child.
In the nightmares, I push and pull at...
Volume Control
As a person who hates talking on the phone, it confounds me how much my mother enjoys talking on her built-in car phone. Whenever she’s on the road for more than 30 minutes, she calls me. Even though I have repeatedly told her that the microphone is ultra sensitive, she still yells. I have to hold my phone five inches from my head to protect myself from permanent hearing damage. The...
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Gonzoland: Urban Renewal
The A-frame across the street from the Salvation Army Store has been many things. In my memory, it was first a cleaners. I seem to recall seeing lots of things in plastic, hanging like herring to be dried. I don’t recall the name.
Next, it was a nail salon. It now had a sign. Nails! it proclaimed with a bottle of polish to the side. Strange, I never saw a car parked there. The owner...
Just because I’m presumin’ that I could be kinda human, if I only had a heart.
Down on Main Street
The edge of the gray tub dug into my thigh as I pressed it against the ice machine. The magnet that held the flap up had broken off, so I had to use one hand to hold the flap while I used the other to paw around in search of the scoop. The lip around the edge of the tub was broken off on all but one side. I used the lip to hold the tub on the opening in the ice machine while the opposite...
The Red Wheelbarrow
so much depends
upon
a red wheel
barrow
glazed with rain
water
beside the white
chickens
- by William Carlos Williams
I first read this poem almost twenty years ago, and it remains one of my favorites. Whenever I read it, I like to think that the author punched his parents for naming him William Williams.
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Gonzoland: Christmas Eve, 11:45p.m.
While watching American Pickers, my mother asked me, “Do you think it’s possible to ever really understand someone else’s perspective? If someone grew up being told the sky was brown, do you think you’d ever convince them that the sky is blue?”
I said, “I think most people accept what they’re taught without question. When they encounter something...
2 tags
Gonzoland: Over the train track and through the...
On my way to my parents’ house, I passed a house where my childhood best friend’s husband lived. It’s a square cinderblock house, the kind where one side of the block is coated with ceramic asbestos paint. It’s a terrible puke-mint-green color with a white door, no shutters, and no shrubbery. I looks somehow naked without those things.
He hated the house, called it The...
Okay, you selfish bastards.
philroland:
Let’s see if you live up to all your bullshit about making the world a better place and actually doing good with your shitty little lives.
Reblog if you’ve given to charity this year.
And no, buying yourself an extra fucking pair of 500 dollar shoes from a corporation that promises to donate 10 cents for every pair bought doesn’t count, you oblivious twat.
And if you reblog this...
I don’t know why I expect other people to get as excited about things as I do.
When I say, “I really like Final Fantasy, but the story in FFXIII left me wanting,” and then a guy says, “I really like Final Fantasy, too,” I assume it means he really likes Final Fantasy and can hold an in-depth conversation on battle systems, world building, and plot/character...
2 tags
The Book of Savi
I taught Savi how to cuss, how to string together obscenities in a way that, though they made little sense, rolled off the tongue in a poetic fashion. “Son-of-a-mother-fucking-bitch,” he yelled when he double-faulted. I looked over my shoulder at him as we switched sides of the court. He grinned and said, “It sounded good, right?” I pursed my lips, pretended to consider it, and then nodded in...
Soapbox Stand-up
I’m channelling Lewis Black today.
Why do people always try to give up unhealthy behaviors during winter? It’s counterproductive, right? You try to quit whatever you’re doing to help you “cope” with life during a time when it’s cold, dreary, and dark. You’re depressed by life and the weather, and so you say to yourself, “I want to feel better. ...
Because Fluffy said,
“I could be a sniper, easy. I know I could shoot someone I’ve never met. Hell, I could shoot most people that I have met.”
“I want to borrow The Princess Bride from you when you finish reading it.”
“Why do women in the south wear so much makeup? Don’t they know they look like fucking clowns?”
“I wouldn’t change...
Once again, I wake up thinking, “Goddamnit! Why was I not born male?”
Boob Talk: a Bra Saga
Every time my brother’s wife and I get together, at least once, she’s guaranteed to say, “If I had big boobs like yours, I would get myself a push-up bra and wear the lowest cut V-neck.”
The thing is, no one makes affordable, attractive, push-up bras for the large-breasted. In fact, very few manufacturers make attractive regular bras for us, as if size alone is enough enticement. We still would...
cheekyguy asked: For a reason unkown to me, I can't reply to my own posts...is that the usual case?
First, What is axe? I'm sure we don't have it in Britain.
Second, no she wasn't kidding but I don't believe she understood the irony in her statement.
Third, Hello missy, how are you?
Cheeky x
First, What is axe? I'm sure we don't have it in Britain.
Second, no she wasn't kidding but I don't believe she understood the irony in her statement.
Third, Hello missy, how are you?
Cheeky x
When I saw this, I said, “HA! HA!!!” (exclamation marks included to indicate volume)
What? Allergic reactions can be funny.
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The Best Policy
There seems to be some criticism of folks for being “anonymous” here on Tumblr. Let me be more specific. I don’t mean asking anonymous questions. I mean not giving a real name, location, age, etc. I fall into this category. I am Summa Cum Nihil, the very best of nothing. What does that tell you? Not very much, I imagine.
I am blunt to a fault (God bless my poor mother;...
cheekyguy asked: Thank you for your reply, had a moment of teenage rage flood back to me and after what I attempted to be a controlled response to a multitude of attacks from anonymous person's I immediately regretted feeding their ego's with my angry riposte. Tempted as I am to withdraw my post, it's out there now so I shan't go backwards.
Yes and I fear words like...
Yes and I fear words like...
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Wolf
I’ve been singing Little Red Riding Hood by Sam the Sham and the Pharaohs on and off for two days now. This morning, my brain caught up with my mouth, and inspiration for a new story/novel hit me.
To all you wolves, I present the lyrics to an oldie but a goodie:
*howl*
What’s that I see walkin’ in these woods? Why, it’s Little Red Riding Hood. Hey...
WatchTaking Lives - I’m no critic, but in my opinion, this movie has one of the best sex scenes for no real sex to have occurred. The first time I saw it, I literally felt a jolt through my entire body and got wet when Ethan Hawke, who I don’t find attractive, slammed Angelina Jolie, who I would be gay for, against the wall. Mmm, mmm, mmm!
Romance?
I haven’t been in the mood to work on any of my novels lately. Instead, I’ve written shorts here and there and read brain candy - brain candy, in the form of cheesy romance novels. I don’t go in for the actual romance or the happy-ever-after endings. They are sweet, and I am not. However, I do find the sex scenes rev my engine, almost as much as the sex scenes I write. ...
Sometimes, I eat like a kid, just because it’s easier. I’m proud to say I’ve stayed away from Spaghetti O’s for over five years, but I can’t completely kick fish sticks. Today, it’s a peanut butter sandwich with a side of Cheetos and a cup of applesauce. Go ahead and laugh, I don’t mind a bit. Call me five or eighty-five, but I tell you - no sugar...
1 tag
Gonzoland: Addendum
It was spring, and the Bird Carver and I were standing on the sidewalk where it dead-ended into the parking lot. He was ready to go home for the day, having already set his box of tools, along with the soldering iron, in the back of his van. The second and third rows of seats had been removed in preparation for his trip out of town.
The barn owl he’d completed rested in bubble wrap...
For their other albums to have sucked donkey balls, Gran Turismo by the Cardigans is one of my favorites. Without listening to it, I’m hearing “Junk of the Heart” tonight.
Over-doing It
At the time, it felt really good to have his hand, palm flattened, sliding in and out of me. Eight hours later, and all endorphins completely out of my system, ouchies!
Lovely Hands
“You have the prettiest hands.”
It was a statement she often heard, and it always surprised her. The middle finger of her right hand had a large callous from writing and lots of erasing. The erasers often ran out before the lead, but she was thinking about her hands and fingers. Someone said she could be a hand model, but with the callous and and the minute scars from burns,...
1 tag
Gonzoland: Bird Carver
I sat across his desk from him as he used his soldering gun to burn texture onto wood. It had changed drastically from the previous day. It had been a rough-cut hunk of white oak, a piece he’d scavenged after lightning killed the eighty-year old tree. After ten hours of carving, gouging and sanding, the hunk took on the form of a small bird. Today, he added the feathers.
He wore two...
While the cookies were baking
I sat at the kitchen table and read. Commotion outside my window drew my attention, and I saw two squirrels racing around in the fallen leaves. After a few laps, they scampered over to the fence, scaled it, and dove off into the scrub trees at the back of my property.
As my mother, a woman who rarely curses, once said, “With animals, it’s hard to tell whether they’re fucking...
And the reality is...
I was thinking about the bit of erotica I wrote and the last time I attempted to have sex in a shower. Enjoy my awkwardness.
We finished washing, and as usual, he was hogging the water. I was in a mood and cold, so I bullied my way into the stream. He smiled and leaned back against the side of the shower, making room for me. He put a foot on either side of me, entrapping my feet between his,...
This Boy (Part 2)
Seven months passed. During that time, I turned fifteen and completed my first semester of high school. I joined the tennis team, where I made myself into a valuable competitor and doubles partner.
On the first day back from spring break, the first boy I ever loved was sitting in my math class. Over the holidays, he transferred to my school and joined my class. I was one of only three...
A bit of erotica
Most of my posts thus far have been true stories or reactions to various stages in my life, but I intend to share fiction and fictionalized truth as well. With that in mind, a bit of erotica.
She went into the bathroom of the restaurant, and after doing her business, she went to the row of sinks to wash her hands. She pressed the pump on the container, and as she began to scrub her hands,...
1 tag
I Wonder Aloud
Last night, as I dried myself after my shower, I asked myself aloud, “Has anyone ever said, ‘If I could go back, knowing what I know now…’ with good intent?”
Books have been written and movies have been made in which the main character is presented with this opportunity. The good that invariably comes of it is purely accidental but serves the creator’s...
Lyrics
The lyrics of this song moved me the very first time I heard it fourteen years ago. Christ, it’s been fourteen years. The music is incidental, little more than a repeated synthesized loop of rhythm and uninspired piano and guitar, but the words…. Also, the group chose an excellent name.
Standing Outside a Broken Phone Booth with Money in My Hands
by Primitive Radio Gods
Jan lays down and...