My life is a clusterfuck of meetings right now. Realtors. Bankers. Contract negotiators. Hair stylist. AND my sister-in-law decided to have a nighttime birthday party for my brother, on Friday, when I have no prayer of getting a babysitter (meaning driving 1.25 hours to my parents’ house to drop off Spawn and then driving 1.5 hours to the party). This party is supposed to occur the night...
This is writing, folks.
I spent the last hour and a half trying to come up with names for the realm of the dead and the realm of supreme beings that didn’t sound like some cliched bullshit. I’m not sure I succeeded.
I wrote 5 whole pages of brand new story today!
This a record in the post-pregnancy era of my writing. Until this past week, my writing consisted mainly of hard-core editing. I have this novel that I started about three years ago. I wrote 10 pages of it in 30 minutes, sat back, and let Fluffy read it. “This is the best damned thing you’ve ever written. I want to read this when you’re finished.” Fluffy reads everything...
selfdoubtandsyphilis: dankestrnemes: do animals think in english or in the sounds they make this is what yahoo paid $1.9 billion for
Moving is eminent.
I have an overwhelming desire to give away most of my belongings and just start fresh. But shit’s expensive y’all. So, I guess I’ll pack it up and drag it with me.
Me: (singing to Spawn) One little duck went swimming one day, down the river, far away. Mother duck said, “Quack, quack, quack, quack,” but no little ducks came back. Mother duck she went swimming one day, down the river, far away. Mother duck said, “Quack, quack, quack, quack,” and the five little ducks came back. The five little ducks came back. Yay! Baby, the duckies...
Damned, Dirty Dogs
When you live in a garden home community, you have to put up with neighbors that are too close. It hasn’t really been an issue until the neighbor whose backyard is against the side of my house moved and rented the place to a couple with two yap-yap lap dogs. They bark every day from 3pm until 10:30pm. If their neighbor has put her cocker spaniel out, the three dogs bark at each other until...
Looking online at houses for sale until my eyes bleed.
An entire day of ass-fuckery later...
My mom and I gave up on Skype, as Android and IPenis are incompatible. We finally had a successful video call on a Google+ hangout, which took an insane combination of frantic finger pokes to connect. I hate that nothing looks the way it should on a tablet. Why did I not just buy a fucking Windows tablet? Why? Why the fuck is this so hard? WHY?!?!?! I’m going to go eat some peach cobbler...
This is what I perused during my lunch break.
A former co-worker’s wife is mucho preggo with a boy, so you know what that means… Everything must go! SALE! SALE! SALE! Non-stained baby clothes, baby toys, baby tummy mats, baby bottles, baby bottle sanitizer, baby swing, baby sling, bibs, blankets, socks, The Dread Milkmaid and all her suction cups and torture tubes GONE GONE GONE OMG, it feels wonderful to finally admit that I...
I have a PhD, and I can’t figure out how to fucking use Skype. <facepalm>
What with interviewing and the stress of that and flying and actually getting the job and taking the baby to the hospital for eating hand sanitizer and taking him to his 15-month appointment and dealing with his bitchy ass, I haven’t had a chance to share with y’all a new first in my life. While in Lexington, I had my first meet-up with friends I met online! One of my guildies,...
Boarding the plane to Charlotte...
Man in front of me: What’s the in-flight movie today? Flight Attendant: Whatever you’ve got going on behind your eyelids. Me: Burn!
TMI Tuesday: period pee
If you dare… [[MORE]] When I’m on my period and I pee, it looks like a sunset in the toilet.
Fairest in paperback →
FAIREST is now available in paperback on Amazon. The cover isn’t showing, but it’s there!
I cleaned out my office today.
Seven years of teaching and learning condensed into a box that once held 104 Pampers Cruisers diapers. It felt right and wrong.
Upon A Time: Peppered →
I dreamed of a zombie apocalypse. I haven’t had a dream terrify me this much in a long time.
They want me.
I want them. So, it looks as though I’ll be moving this summer.
My thighs are covered in bruises from bumping into airplane armrests.
Hand Sanitizer: It's What's For Breakfast!
in Spawn’s opinion anyway. A trip to the ER and 3 hours later, he is perfectly fine. <sigh> So much for my nice, relaxing day before taking him to the dreaded 15 month check-up tomorrow.
After hours and hours of delayed flights
I am finally home! I fucking hate crop duster airplanes that only have 20 rows. I have never come so close to blowing chunks on an airplane as I did today when flying through the edge of all that shit that pounded the country over the last few days. Next time, I will drive my ass to Kentucky. It should take about the same time or less. Well, provided I am offered the job, that is.
Another 8-hour interview
starts in 40 minutes. I slept like shit, but at least I was met at the airport by awesome friends and taken out for yummy beers.
at the airport
Lexington bound soon.
My bag aren't packed, but
I have printed my plane and hotel reservations. I have printed my list of graduate courses taken. I have printed my list of courses I have taught throughout my entire career. I have printed my list of publications. This will be weird, my first time flying by myself. What that says is that I rarely fly, and when I do, it is because I am going on a trip with other people. I’m a little...
Fluffy graduates today.
Fairest: Beth Bishop: Amazon.com: Kindle Store →
Prom, Pancakes, and Penis
I was transgender. Salma Hayek was my adult-prom date. Everyone ate IHOP pancakes with whipped cream and strawberries. David Bowie performed. I tried to have sex with Salma, but my penis wouldn’t ever get fully erect. I sat back on my knees and thought, Why would someone do this to themselves if this is what sex is like? For the record, I have NO idea what sex is like for women who are now...
scottowilliams asked: Also, I don't know if you ever explained it or care to do so, but how did you arrive at Fluffy's particular nickname?
Today is the day!
The e-book for Fairest is for sale. I will keep you all posted on paper versions as the info becomes available. If you have the time and interest, stop by the chat room today at 1pm (central) and visit with me and the other authors.… I know teenage romance isn’t for everyone, so even if you don’t buy my book, I appreciate your support. Book:...
I wrote some stuff about post-pregnancy stuff →
scottowilliams replied to your post: Me: Some men are leg men. Some are butt men. Some… Is “so-and-so” me? Because I do. In fact, yes!! The conversation with Fluffy was related to the accordion boobs post, and I was like, “Scotto’s likes used to be almost entirely boobs.” Also I have no life and sit around talking to Fluffy about my Tumblr friends. And he humors me...
Me: Some men are leg men. Some are butt men. Some are boob men. [So-and-so] likes to play with boobies. Fluffy: Well, I’m a vagina man. Yep, I like playing with vaginas.
The letter says, “I appreciate your formal response to the offer by May 3, 2013.” I guess that I assume people are being polite, because I read this as, “Please let us know by May 3,” not as, “May 3 is the deadline for letting us know.” Whatever! The dean doesn’t want to give me an extension on this deadline so that I can have a chance to go on this...
Launch Day is coming!
Wednesday, May 1, 2013: This is the day that the e-book version of Fairest goes live on Eternal Press’ site and for Kindle on Amazon. From 1:00p.m. to 2:00p.m. (CDT) I will be in the Eternal Press chat room talking about my book and myself. To the few who read this, you are welcome to join me and hang out. You just make up a chat name, no accounts or anything else necessary, and chat away....
I haven’t signed the contract. I have an interview at EKU the week of May 6th for a job that is very appealing. If it is offered and we can negotiate a decent salary and I accept, I will uproot my little family and move 8 hours away. This is good and bad. When I warned my department chair about this interview, he looked like I had torn his heart out of his chest, but know what? He knows...
Be sure to check the expiration dates of your salad dressings. I think I have lost 5 pounds today.
In a time and place where men inherited rather than purchased land, the fiefdom was plagued with territorial disputes. Generations of civil war meant that young men were scarce. Thus, although I was a young woman, I served on my father’s guard. My duty was manning the closest watchtower to the keep. Hair cropped severely short — shorter than some of the men — and leather armor...
There are times when I get so angry with Spawn
that it is all I can do to not just beat the living shit out of him. Today, I ended up pummeling his high chair and throwing his spoon across the room. He smiled at me, giggled even. I looked at him and growled between clenched teeth, “I want to hit you…so hard…that your nose bleeds.” You may think that a baby hitting your hand that’s holding a spoon filled with food...
The e-book for Fairest goes live at 12:01 a.m. pacific time on Eternal Press’ website. EP offers five e-book formats: .pdf, .lit (microsoft reader), .pdb (palm), .mobi (works on a kindle), and .epub (which also works on a Nook). It will show up for Kindle at Amazon within 24 hours and then pop up at the various other vendors throughout the following couple of weeks. Vendors put the books up...
The girl who taught me how to dive is dead.
My mother and brother demonstrated and coaxed. I would not do it. Then, I saw Laurie. Warm skin, dark hair, dark eyes. Cherokee in her blood. Our brothers were friends, but she was beautiful and popular and had no reason to talk to me. Still, she did. I watched her stand on the concrete edge — toes just hanging over — her knees bent. Spring! Her tanned body arced through the air, her...